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 Switchin' and Moanin'

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Drunkalilly
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PostSubject: Switchin' and Moanin'   Fri 24 Feb 2017 - 12:38

The Nintendo Switch is nearly upon us. Although the three minute reveal trailer last year set pulses racing, ever since the full presentation in January it has become clear that Nintendo have fucked it, they don't know what they're doing, this is the Wii U 2 and Super Mario Oddyssey will be an XBox One Scorpio launch title.

Let's count the ways!

  • If you pick up your switch with both hands and heff it at a wall repeatedly, the screen cracks!
  • It is launching with no Halo games and none have been announced so far!
  • Even though a joycon can be easily and quite painlessly inserted into the bumhole, none of the software available at launch uses the HD Rumble in a stimulating way.
  • The launch line up ONLY consists of The Legend of Zelda: The Breath of the Wild, which looks like the best game ever, 1, 2, Switch, a fun party game that is boring if you're sad and alone, Bomberman, which is made by a certain KKKompany, Snipperclips, a delightful and original game which requires other humans, Fast RMX, a futuristic racer which is an update to a well-regarded game and will be great multiplayer fun, Shovel Knight, a beloved indie darling launching at a reasonable price with copious new content, and some other games!
  • It can't be played by dogs!
  • Even when ground to a thin powder, consumption of a Nintendo Switch might kill you!
  • It's being made in Japan, and I didn't vote Brexit for that!
  • It's too small for my hands!
  • It's too big for my pockets!
  • No matter how long I play it for and how much I enjoy the games, even if the multiplayer helps me bond with my peers and find a mate in this life, I will inevitably die. I won't be remembered long after my death. Eventually, humanity and the Earth will move forward so that any impact I made will be smoothed out by the current of history. The sun will expand, the Earth will die, the universe will grind to a slow stop and everything, ever will be rendered ultimately pointless and futile.
  • The battery life is insufficient for me to play it for an entire day outside, so I might have to talk to my family and feel their disappointment.
  • The notoriously stringent Nintendo QA has rendered the machine sturdy enough to be used as a murder weapon.
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ZeroJones
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PostSubject: Re: Switchin' and Moanin'   Fri 24 Feb 2017 - 13:38

  • The name itself is something of a turn-off
  • Everyone's up in arms about it
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PostSubject: Re: Switchin' and Moanin'   Fri 24 Feb 2017 - 19:12

Thread of the year confirmed. Thumbs Up!

  • It's called the Switch, and that's a disgusting BDSM term for perverts.
  • There's nothing else coming out in its first year apart from an enhanced portable remake of the best Mario Kart ever that hardly anyone owned, an interesting and quirky shooter, an interesting and quirky fighter, possibly the best 3D platformer ever, possibly another best 3D platformer ever, and FIFA.
  • I Am Setsuna sounds a bit like I Am Sexuna, so that's a disgusting game for perverts.
  • The controller looks like a dog and I'm a cat person.
  • The Virtual Console games' transience reminds me that we're mucking up our own planet to the point of uninhabitability.
  • 1-2-Switch contains a wanking minigame, and wanking is a disgusting action for perverts.
  • I can't share any joy when I have none to share.
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PostSubject: Re: Switchin' and Moanin'   Fri 24 Feb 2017 - 20:37


  • It CANNOT turn lights operated by dimmer switches off, yes you can chuck a joycon at a normal lightswitch but FFS it's 2017
  • It DOES NOT work underwater - FFS NINTENDO, It's called Climate Change, read a book and do a science!
  • Where is the Kinnect functionality?
  • Where is the VR, my good anonymous friend (hi andy) won't be able to play it
  • It's region free, I did not vote BREXIT for this  DAMN YOU!  DAMN YOU!  DAMN YOU!
  • All the adverts and events were shit, don't know what the OP is chatting about. Get Rufus Hound involved, only he can get my pulse racing !
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PostSubject: Re: Switchin' and Moanin'   Fri 24 Feb 2017 - 20:40

Fun fact: Switch actually has two distinct meanings in BDSM, as a switch is a type of whip and a switch is someone who can perform and enjoy either a dominant or submissive role in power exchange.

Anyway, some other stuff wrong with the Nintendo Switch:

  • There's a shortage in the switch
  • I can't stay on your morphine, because it's making me itch
  • I said I tried to call the nurse again but she's being a little bitch
  • And I swear you're just like a pill
  • Instead of making me better, you keep making me ill
  • You keep making me ill
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Drunkalilly
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PostSubject: Re: Switchin' and Moanin'   Mon 27 Feb 2017 - 13:20

  • The Switch doesn't appeal to hardcore gamers
  • The Switch only appeals to hardcore gamers
  • The Switch doesn't do anything new
  • The Switch is innovating for the sake of innovation
  • The Switch doesn't have any games I can show to my non-gaming friends
  • Why do Nintendo insist on making games for me to show people, I'm not in their marketing department!
  • Everyone's too excited about the Switch, let's be realistic.
  • Everyone keeps moaning about the Switch, let us just have some fun.
  • At a time like this, why are people giving so much thought to a new children's toy?
  • At a time like this, can't I just have five minutes to enjoy a children's toy?
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PostSubject: Re: Switchin' and Moanin'   Mon 27 Feb 2017 - 20:44

  • The Switch is NOT launching with Half Life 3. NINTENDO HAVE FUCKED IT DAY ONE.

  • Crooked Miyamoto has admitted that Breath of the Wild is FAKE Zelda. You can beat it in 15 minutes. My Zeldas last for hours. They're the best Zeldas. Sack Miyamoto, get me at the helm and together we'll make Zelda GREAT AGAIN!

  • Speaking of, Zelda is rumoured to have an actual PERSONALITY again. Fucked it. WHERE IS MY HEROIC POWER FANTASY?!

  • The screen on the Switch itself isn't even 4K. FUCKED IT NINTENDO.

  • Reggie Fils-Aime sounds vaguely French. We don't want him chairing NoA. If Nintendo don't pull in a REAL businessman like Don "No Internet? Get a 360 instead!" Mattrick. Once he tells the little shitty Nintendo shitbois to buy a Wii U instead, it'll sort everything out. Make NoA GREAT AGAIN!
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PostSubject: Re: Switchin' and Moanin'   Mon 27 Feb 2017 - 21:12

  • It's not 4K OR 3D.  They spend so long trying to make it work with the 3DS, and then they can't even be bothered.  For shame, Nintendo, for shame.
  • Still no announcement of BG&E2.
  • Still no announcement of Super Mario Rabbids RPG.
  • Still no announcement of the new Retro game.
  • Still no announcement of Mother 3.
  • Still no announcement of Mother 4.
  • Still no announcement of Shenmue 4.
  • Still no announcement of Donkey Kong Country: Artic Heat.
  • Where's the button on the Switch that brings Iwata back to life?  Come on Shigeru.  I know you've put it somewhere.  Hidden away in your crazy old videogame designer's mind palace.  Satoru Iwata's soul, saved to a memory card, waiting for someone to press the button on the Switch that will bring him back.  Don't try to kid me, Shigsy, it's there.  Just tell us where it is.  Or, y'know, just tell me.  We both want Iwata back, you and I.  Nobody has to know you said, just tell me where the button is.  It's there.  It has to be.  You hid it in the Switch, you had to.  Just tell me where it is, Miyamoto!  JUST TELL ME WHERE IT IS!  Just tell me... tell me where... oh God... *sob*
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PostSubject: Re: Switchin' and Moanin'   Mon 27 Feb 2017 - 21:24


  • The Switch will lower house prices.
  • The Switch will teach children about homosexuality.
  • The Switch will raise teenage pregnancy rates.
  • The Switch will mean more single mothers.
  • The Switch will mean more asylum seekers.
  • The Switch will mean more interference from Europe.
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PostSubject: Re: Switchin' and Moanin'   Mon 27 Feb 2017 - 21:24

Balladeer wrote:

  • Still no announcement of Mother 3.


...you've done it now.

  • THE RUMOURS TOLD ME IT WAS COMING NINTENDO, WHERE IS IT?! ARE YOU HIDING IT IN THE CUPBOARD WITH METROID, F-ZERO AND THE ICE CLIMBERS' DECAYING CORPSES?! HAS LUCAS FALLEN DOWN THE BACK OF THE SOFA? I BOUGHT HIS AMIIBO TO SHOW YOU I LOVE YOU NINTENDO AND YOU SPAT IN MY OPEN MOUTH YOU SHITHEADS
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PostSubject: Re: Switchin' and Moanin'   Mon 27 Feb 2017 - 21:30

Afraid Duck and cover! DUCK AND COVER!
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Drunkalilly
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PostSubject: Re: Switchin' and Moanin'   Mon 27 Feb 2017 - 22:25

They haven't even announced Monster Hunter XX for the Switch. At this point Nintendo are quite literally stabbing me in the penis and forcibly taking the piss.
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PostSubject: Re: Switchin' and Moanin'   Mon 27 Feb 2017 - 22:27

Don't worry, Drunka - I hear that Brazzers are working on Monster Hunter XXX. That's a whole extra X, what's not to like? (Which developer are Brazzers again?)
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Drunkalilly
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PostSubject: Re: Switchin' and Moanin'   Mon 27 Feb 2017 - 22:35

I saw the trailer for that, actually. The monster interactions were much more impressive: I've never seen the Nibelsnarf eat a Khezu in such detail.
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PostSubject: Re: Switchin' and Moanin'   Tue 28 Feb 2017 - 0:08

Drunkalilly wrote:
I saw the trailer for that, actually. The monster interactions were much more impressive: I've never seen the Nibelsnarf eat a Khezu in such detail.

We may as well lock the thread as I don't see it getting better than that.

Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: Switchin' and Moanin'   Tue 28 Feb 2017 - 9:04

The_Jaster wrote:
We may as well lock the thread as I don't see it getting better than that.
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PostSubject: Re: Switchin' and Moanin'   Wed 26 Jul 2017 - 21:29

  • Nintendo haven't upped their sales targets at all, because they can't make enough stock, because they don't understand basic moneys like supply and diamond. YA DUNNIT AGAIN NINTY.
  • Spla2n is basically Mario Sunshine with squids instead of a plumber and water instead of ink. You can't keep using the same ideas all the time Nintendo, you'll run out eventually. OH WAIT YOU'LL JUST REHASH OLD ONES LIKE YOU'VE DONE ELEVENTY BILLION TIMES BEFORE.
  • Spla2n's a sequel, not a new IP. Where are the new IPs Nintendo? NOWHERE, THAT'S FUCKING WHERE. Another turd in the water pipe of originality. #ARMSneverhappened #neitherdidEverOasis
  • Here's the big one: Nintendo are dreadful awful racists. In Spla2n, you fight Octoling after Octoling. Basically an extermination campaign for an entire race. (Marina's the Nazi sympathiser in this completely appropriate invocation of Godwin's Law.) But it doesn't stop there! What about all the Goombas you murder in the Mario games? And what colour are they? Not white, that's for damn sure! Say no 2 hate and #boycottNintendo.
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PostSubject: Re: Switchin' and Moanin'   Wed 26 Jul 2017 - 22:15

The Switch e-shop has too many games! We must BUILD A FIRE WALL and keep out anything not made by Nintendo. Make Nintendo great again. And something about jobs and the repeal of health care too.
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PostSubject: Re: Switchin' and Moanin'   Thu 7 Sep 2017 - 16:05

Switch only has ports look even more announced with LA Noire a 6 year old Ł3 game, those suckers on Switch pay that $witch Tax.
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PostSubject: Re: Switchin' and Moanin'   Thu 7 Sep 2017 - 18:30

I've never played LA Noire, and I'm far more likely to give it a go on Switch. I'm happy to have everything ported, as I'd always rather play on Switch than literally anything else.
ZeroJones wrote:

  • The Switch will lower house prices.
  • The Switch will teach children about homosexuality.
  • The Switch will mean more interference from Europe.


The fact there are people out there who even list these as negatives, let alone attribute them to things that are doing good, makes me want to take the entire Earth and throw it forcefully into the Sun.

Balladeer wrote:

  • Still no announcement of BG&E2.
  • Still no announcement of Super Mario Rabbids RPG.


One of those wasn't on Switch, but still!
We also had Metroid Prime 4, even if it isn't actually a RETRO game.
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PostSubject: Re: Switchin' and Moanin'   Thu 7 Sep 2017 - 19:41

Yeah, the Rabbids game was announced... months after we all knew it existed. If Nintendo can't keep up with the fast-paced world of videogame leaks, they're doomed to go the way of David Cameron. And it will SERVE THEM RIGHT.

Also: LA Noire but no GTA? Buggered it again. Speaking of buggery, I'm fairly sure my Switch is gay. I pointed it in the direction of my PS3 and it 'HD Rumbled'. What sort of example is that to children? Hopefully Future God-Emperor of the Cosmos Rees-Mogg will ban this sick filth.
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ZeroJones
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PostSubject: Re: Switchin' and Moanin'   Thu 7 Sep 2017 - 20:02

Balladeer wrote:
Future God-Emperor of the Cosmos Rees-Mogg

Not even as a joke, given the abhorrent and reckless stuff he's said recently.
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