The Jolly Ridiculous GNamer Tabletop Internet Text-Adventure RPG

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GNamer RPG Start!

You wake up in a dimly lit room. There are torches around the walls. There are four chests to your north, arranged in a diamond, and a signpost next to the chests. You can see a lit passage beyond the chest, and dark passages to your south-west and south-east. On the east and west walls are paintings.

>ENTER ACTION

Balladeer wrote:

>ENTER ACTION

>GRACKLE

Username dances the GRACKLE! It gives him a confidence +1 buff for the duration of the dance.

Things are stirring in the dark passages.

> Read signposts next to chests.

El Andros reads the signpost:

"Aargh! Ahoy matey. I have sunken treasure here, I do.
But to pluck the plunder, you must open the treasure chests in the right order.
What is that order, ye say? I'll never tell!
--The Cap'n"

The chests aren't underwater, as far as he can see. Looks like the Dungeonmaster, whoever he is, must have ripped the sign from somewhere. Although now that he's a bit closer to the chests, he can hear an ominous buzzing coming from them.

Balladeer wrote:

But to pluck the plunder, you must open the treasure chests in the right order.

>PUNCH NOEL EDMONDS

Username lays into the painting to the east. Noel Edmonds' grinning fizzog collapses, and reveals a secret room! Inside is a chest, and... a zombie version of Noel Edmonds! OHHHHH NOOOOOO...

ZOMBIE NOEL EDMONDS WANTS TO BATTLE!



5/5 LP

Do you want to buy a potion.

>LOOK AT PAINTING TO THE WEST

masofdas tries to sell the adventurers a POTION, but since they can all see his Inventory (because, I don't know, all the item pouches are made out of transparent plastic or something), they know that he doesn't have a POTION to sell! Rumbled. ZOMBIE NOEL EDMONDS seems curious, however, and lurches in the direction of the purchase offer.

JayMoyles looks west, at the intact painting. It seems to depict some green creature with large ears, lurching out of the dark: from the reverent and careful depiction, the creature seems to have been treated with some respect. At the bottom is some writing, but it seems to be in a strange arcane language. "one nit when i was sleppin..." The rest has been torn away.

He doesn't know what this has to do with the painting of NOEL EDMONDS on the opposite wall.

>USE "GRACKLED" SPELL ON ZOMBIE NOEL EDMONDS, THEN SPRINT DOWN LIT PASSAGE PAST CHESTS

Jay uses "GRACKLED", at the cost of three MP. The summoned GRACKLER goes to town on ZOMBIE NOEL EDMONDS, shaving of almost all of his LP (but not, sadly, his beard). Before it can deal the finishing blow, however, it catches sight of the painting to the west, and continues to stare at it in awe until the summoning wears off. Jay gets 4 EXP for dealing this damage.

Jay runs up the passage to the north and comes to a tall, narrow spiral staircase. He can hear squeaking from upstairs.

The noises from the dark passageways off the starting room are becoming louder and more persistent.



1/5 LP

>THROW JAY AT ZOMBIE NOEL EDMONDS

>BRACE FOR IMPACT

Username calls Jay back from the stairs.  Jay is happy to oblige, but doesn't appear that way because of his high DISAGREEABILITY INDEX.  That only makes Username throw him harder, which is... still not very hard.  That attack stat. of 3 coming back to bite him there.

Jay braces as he hits the undead TV presenter, and as a result takes no damage.  ZOMBIE NOEL EDMONDS, however, is on his last legs.  The throw shaves off his last LP and he collapses, writhing, to the ground.  He burns up, leaving nothing but gently smouldering zombie innards and loot.

ZOMBIE NOEL EDMONDS HAS BEEN SLAIN!  VICTORY DANCE Y/N?

Spoils:

That leaves the chest behind the right painting unguarded.

>LOOT: NO DEAL.
>OPEN CHEST IN SECRET ROOM

If RNG < 0.5, £0, else £10. RNG = 0.408... The BANKER rubs his fat clammy hands. Or would do, were he in this game, which he's not.

Jay opens the chest to find a ZOMBIE HAT! Increases both Defence and BRAAAAAA... I mean Magic. He equips the hat because why not.

The buzzing diamond of chests is currently untouched. The squeaking is now audible from the main room, coming from the north passageway.

>EQUIP GLAIVE
>LOOT: NO DEAL

The loot's status has already been decided! But Username equips the glaive anyway.

What is your next move, brave warriors/disreputable merchants/people who haven't issued a command yet?

>TAKE BANKER AND INSERT GLAIVE

>EXAMINE SOUTH-WEST PASSAGE

>TAKE BANKER AND INSERT GLAIVE INTO BANKER'S SOUTH WEST PASSAGE

Game rules:

Username tries to stab the BANKER, but the BANKER does not exist in this game!  So he stabs the next best thing: the merchant.  However, because masofdas hasn't posted for a while, he has "dropped out", meaning that he exists only as a shade, unable to interact with the game until he posts again.

So Username stabs the shade a couple more times, through his left thigh.  Feels good.  Then he tries to "take" the merchant, which... works.  He now has 1 MASOFDAS in his inventory.  The laws of physics stare slack-jawed for a while, then call it a day and go bowling instead.  They're quite good at it.

Jay ventures a couple of steps into the south-west passage. He is surrounded by the darkness, and he can hear chittering noises from all around.

Spoiler:

IT IS PITCH BLACK.  YOU ARE LIKELY TO BE EATEN BY A GRACKLER.

>GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE
>EXAMINE MYSTERY BOX

>TAKE GLAIVE
>INVERT G
>BEND HORIZONTAL BIT TOWARDS INSIDE OF LETTER
>SNAP OTHER END OF HORIZONTAL BIT
>BREAK I IN HALF
>PUT ONE HALF ON EITHER SIDE OF V
>IS NOW "FLAME"
>USE RESULTANT LIGHT TO LOOK AROUND