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 "A Big Pot Full Of Bum": GNamer Forum Cr@p Game Reviews Thread

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The Cappuccino Kid
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PostSubject: Re: "A Big Pot Full Of Bum": GNamer Forum Cr@p Game Reviews Thread   Sat 20 Jun 2015 - 9:14

No problem.

I'm about to go on holiday for a week and I don't think I'll be on the forum, so I ask everyone to keep a hold of their games for the time being - I'll deal with posting and swapping once I'm back.
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Jimbob
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PostSubject: Re: "A Big Pot Full Of Bum": GNamer Forum Cr@p Game Reviews Thread   Sat 20 Jun 2015 - 12:49

Drunkalilly wrote:
lifting potatoes
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masofdas
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PostSubject: Re: "A Big Pot Full Of Bum": GNamer Forum Cr@p Game Reviews Thread   Sat 20 Jun 2015 - 13:02

I came in to the thread as I saw you posted Jimbob and I thought I would see your review. Now I'm disappointed.
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Drunkalilly
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PostSubject: Re: "A Big Pot Full Of Bum": GNamer Forum Cr@p Game Reviews Thread   Sun 21 Jun 2015 - 21:09

Thomas and Friends
Hero of the Rails




I thoroughly enjoyed the classic Thomas the Tank Engine television series when I was a child. The detailed sets and physical models let me live vicariously what it was like to have a prohibitively expensive model train set. And like any young boy, my favourite thing to do with model trains was make them crash.

Classic Thomas featured incredible crash sequences. Trains would smash and buckle, rip through buildings, fall of cliffs, be buried in avalanches and drowned in rivers. In this saccharine modern adaptation, nothing crashes properly. These stupid trains’ faces never get smashed in, even though after two minutes with the game that’s all you want.

The idea that this is an actual game that was released, in shops, for money, on the Nintendo Wii, is mind boggling. The visuals, the gameplay, the patronising voiceover all harken back to CD Rom games from the early 90s.

For starters, the game won’t even go into widescreen. You have to maintain a square screen throughout the constant stream of dull-as-dishwater minigames: rotate the controller to make an N64-era polygon train move across a pre-rendered background, point at the screen to clean, paint and repair the engines in scenes akin to flash games on the CBeebies website. Sometimes the games are so easy as to be difficult: It took me a while to realise I wasn’t actually supposed to trace the outline of a train part to weld it on, I just had to hover over it and an animation of the blowtorch tracing the shape would play out.

The eight, yes literally eight, brief levels can be completed in about three minutes each. The story is so easy to complete I literally did it while writing this review. Pre-rendered cutscenes play out in horrific quality between gameplay sequences, with the two often not making sense. In one scene, we watch our heroes repair a train before being asked to repair said train in the gameplay section.

Eventually, I decided to try leaving my Wii Remote on the floor for a race sequence. Thomas sat stock still while the narrator suggested I might like to try rotating the controller to make the engine go faster. Then the victory animation played out anyway.

The graphics really are the worst level of absolute gash. The rare human characters are animated worse than the stationary plastic models from the old TV series. The trains, creepy enough already when any thought is applied to them, look even more horrifying with their uncanny valley mugs gurning their way through dull tales.

Then there's the music; the shortest possible little midi loops repeating over and over until the inevitable heat death of the universe and a theme tune which can be heard on the title screen or selected as a "karaoke" option as an alternative to choosing "story" or "games", the same minigames without the cutscenes to slightly break up the monotony.


I couldn’t recommend this to even the youngest, stupidest of children. Playing this could only possibly serve to increase stupidity. In fact, the only people who could enjoy this are the dirtiest of steam engine fetishists, who might appreciate the one-handed gameplay. For anyone else, rolling the disk off a bridge and hoping it shatters satisfyingly into a million pieces will give a more authentic Thomas the Tank Engine experience.


Last edited by Drunkalilly on Sun 21 Jun 2015 - 21:15; edited 1 time in total
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Balladeer
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PostSubject: Re: "A Big Pot Full Of Bum": GNamer Forum Cr@p Game Reviews Thread   Sun 21 Jun 2015 - 21:12

That's two out of three cr@p game reviews so far mentioning masturbation! Good work Drunka, and another fine use for a game disc. Applause
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Drunkalilly
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PostSubject: Re: "A Big Pot Full Of Bum": GNamer Forum Cr@p Game Reviews Thread   Sun 21 Jun 2015 - 21:22

Fun idea: when we've got a few of these, we put them on Gintendo as an article entitled "The Wii's Best Games" and anyone unfamiliar with the forum who asks why they're all crap games, we act incredulous, insist these are the best we could find on that awful console, and never break fabe.
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JayMoyles
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PostSubject: Re: "A Big Pot Full Of Bum": GNamer Forum Cr@p Game Reviews Thread   Sun 21 Jun 2015 - 22:05

Drunkalilly wrote:
Eventually, I decided to try leaving my Wii Remote on the floor for a race sequence. Thomas sat stock still while the narrator suggested I might like to try rotating the controller to make the engine go faster. Then the victory animation played out anyway.



AMAZING. What a pile of crap.

Top work Drunka, I'm glad you endured that tripe to bring us that review.
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The_Jaster
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PostSubject: Re: "A Big Pot Full Of Bum": GNamer Forum Cr@p Game Reviews Thread   Mon 22 Jun 2015 - 5:24

buska wrote:
The trains, creepy enough already when any thought is applied to them, look even more horrifying with their uncanny valley mugs gurning their way through dull tales.

Is it creepier than this though?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHJfafgLxBw
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PostSubject: Re: "A Big Pot Full Of Bum": GNamer Forum Cr@p Game Reviews Thread   Mon 22 Jun 2015 - 8:04

Why did I watch all of that. No
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JayMoyles
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PostSubject: Re: "A Big Pot Full Of Bum": GNamer Forum Cr@p Game Reviews Thread   Mon 22 Jun 2015 - 16:55

In relation to Jas's post, another backing track for Drunka's review.
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The_Jaster
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PostSubject: Re: "A Big Pot Full Of Bum": GNamer Forum Cr@p Game Reviews Thread   Mon 22 Jun 2015 - 18:20

Balladeer wrote:
Why did I watch all of that. No

Laughing
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Jimbob
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PostSubject: Re: "A Big Pot Full Of Bum": GNamer Forum Cr@p Game Reviews Thread   Mon 22 Jun 2015 - 21:37

Oh shit! Oh shit! You win, Drunka, your game was the worst. How un-interactive does something have to be before you can stop calling it a game?

Mine doesn't have masturbation in - I don't think anyway. I know it's too long; I had trouble editing it, and I can understand if you tl;dr, but I thought you should know the pain (and my appreciation for Cappa's purchasing):
I originally started writing it on Tumblr, so it might look a bit neater there - if not:
Review:
 
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JayMoyles
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PostSubject: Re: "A Big Pot Full Of Bum": GNamer Forum Cr@p Game Reviews Thread   Mon 22 Jun 2015 - 21:55

Top stuff, Jimbob! I've actually seen that played before (in the Vinesauce video you linked at the end of the review) and it really does look like a pile of unplayable tripe. Fair play for actually giving it a bash.

I fully expect Data Design Interactive to pop up again in this thread - they are well and truly a shovelware company, and their game library is strewn across the Wii like shite splattered on a wall.
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ZeroJones
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PostSubject: Re: "A Big Pot Full Of Bum": GNamer Forum Cr@p Game Reviews Thread   Mon 22 Jun 2015 - 21:58

Some brilliant writing in there, Jimbob. Anything that makes me imagine the bewigged Newton doing the activity you describe is an automatic win. Grin
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PostSubject: Re: "A Big Pot Full Of Bum": GNamer Forum Cr@p Game Reviews Thread   Mon 22 Jun 2015 - 22:27

Splendid stuff. Applause Worth waiting for.
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Drunkalilly
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PostSubject: Re: "A Big Pot Full Of Bum": GNamer Forum Cr@p Game Reviews Thread   Mon 22 Jun 2015 - 23:12

The bar has definitely been raised in this game! Sterling performance there Jimbob.
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PostSubject: Re: "A Big Pot Full Of Bum": GNamer Forum Cr@p Game Reviews Thread   Sun 28 Jun 2015 - 13:23

Ah, so this is the thread to be inspired by some of Kittsy's finest. I've only read the first page so far, in fear of spoiling any reviews by reading the thread backwards, but I'm *very* much looking forward to reading everyone giving these games a good drubbing. (Tempted to join in, I remember a bunch of us ordering Asphalt 3D a few years ago, it was a hoot!)
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The Cappuccino Kid
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PostSubject: Re: "A Big Pot Full Of Bum": GNamer Forum Cr@p Game Reviews Thread   Sun 28 Jun 2015 - 22:50

Steller work from Buska and Jimbob. I'm really happy with the way the four reviews have turned out. Grin

~

fronkhead wrote:
(Tempted to join in, I remember a bunch of us ordering Asphalt 3D a few years ago, it was a hoot!)

I'd love to see you join in, as would everyone else reading. You've got a mastery of prose like nobody else here - I think a review or two from yourself could be a real highlight of the forum.

~

How does everyone want to carry on from here? I've got Mas' game back, but if Jimbob, Buska and Balladeer want to exchange theirs amongst themselves for further slaughtering reviewing then that's fine by me. Otherwise, would anyone like to volunteer to have a go at any more cr@p games? I've got five more Wii games here, all utterly terrible.
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PostSubject: Re: "A Big Pot Full Of Bum": GNamer Forum Cr@p Game Reviews Thread   Sun 28 Jun 2015 - 23:14

I'm happy to go again it was fun in a weird way, but let others like Fronk go first.
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PostSubject: Re: "A Big Pot Full Of Bum": GNamer Forum Cr@p Game Reviews Thread   Sun 28 Jun 2015 - 23:32

Definitely up for carrying on in some capacity, be that sending it back to you or just shuffling. Might try playing and discussing the next one exclusively while drunk, if it's something that's already been reviewed.
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PostSubject: Re: "A Big Pot Full Of Bum": GNamer Forum Cr@p Game Reviews Thread   Mon 29 Jun 2015 - 9:46

I think I'd rather swap out for a game that hasn't already been reviewed if possible - wouldn't want to try and follow up Jimbob! But I agree with Mas that anyone who wants to get involved anew should go ahead of me.
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Jimbob
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PostSubject: Re: "A Big Pot Full Of Bum": GNamer Forum Cr@p Game Reviews Thread   Tue 30 Jun 2015 - 21:04

Oh, sorry Cappa - I'll send it back ASAP. It's still sitting on my shelf, deliberately base-first so you can't see the title. I'd definitely let other people have a go first - I wrote that review instead of getting my will sorted!
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PostSubject: Re: "A Big Pot Full Of Bum": GNamer Forum Cr@p Game Reviews Thread   Mon 16 Nov 2015 - 10:44

In what must be a relief for Wii U owners, Brunswick Pro Bowling is coming to the Wii U! Perfect, my crap shovel's at the mender's. (Where the heck even is Brunswick?)

Cappa, did you ever get mine back?
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PostSubject: Re: "A Big Pot Full Of Bum": GNamer Forum Cr@p Game Reviews Thread   Mon 16 Nov 2015 - 10:50

Germany but this Brunswick is named after a guy and is big firm in the states that has bowling chains.

I reckon it be like Rapala Pro Bass Fishing and won't come out over here.
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